


I Cannot Forget, But I Can Forgive

by littlefirefly31



Series: Kink/Request Fics [26]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt!Sam, M/M, Rape/Non-con - Freeform, evil!Benny, kind of evil Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 16:52:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2075682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlefirefly31/pseuds/littlefirefly31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Established Sam/Dean, Past Dean/Benny. Threesome, Non-con, Dub-con. Bottom!Sam, Top!Dean, Top!Benny, Mark of Cain, Dark!Dean. Angst, eventual Hurt/Comfort. Season 9.</p><p>Benny's back and that spells trouble for Sam, who's brother is slowly being taken by the Mark. With all the tension and anger built up within Dean, he's just spiteful enough to punish Sam not just physically, but emotionally as well by throwing his past with Benny against him. It would be awesome if the Samulet makes an appearance and that somehow breaks Dean and he realizes what he's done? Sam has only ever been with Dean male wise and the fact that Dean had been unfaithful to him with a vamp of all things is crippling (Amelia doesn’t count since she is not a threat to Dean and Sam thought Dean was dead).</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Cannot Forget, But I Can Forgive

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure if i really got the threesome right, but i hope you like!

**Prompt:** Established Sam/Dean, Past Dean/Benny. Threesome, Non-con, Dub-con. Bottom!Sam, Top!Dean, Top!Benny, Mark of Cain, Dark!Dean. Angst, eventual Hurt/Comfort. Season 9.

_Benny's back and that spells trouble for Sam, who's brother is slowly being taken by the Mark. With all the tension and anger built up within Dean, he's just spiteful enough to punish Sam not just physically, but emotionally as well by throwing his past with Benny against him. It would be awesome if the Samulet makes an appearance and that somehow breaks Dean and he realizes what he's done? I want Sam to be the unwilling middle as Benny and Dean take him with Dean being a dick and brining up he and Benny’s intimate encounters while in purgatory. Sam has only ever been with Dean male wise and the fact that Dean had been unfaithful to him with a vamp of all things is crippling (Amelia doesn’t count since she is not a threat to Dean and Sam thought Dean was dead). Is it possible to throw in some badass!Sam after his ordeal?_

_***_

Sam was so hopelessly in love with Dean it was ridiculous. And from the way Dean looked at him, Sam knew that he felt the same way. Maybe Dean didn’t already say it, but he made Sam veggie burgers and salads and kissed him more tenderly than he did any one of his former whores. There was nothing Sam wouldn’t do. He trusted Dean with his life.

And yet the mark had taken its toll on Dean. His temper was shorter and his responses sometimes aimed to hurt, not just tease. Sam just counted on the fact that his love for Sam was stronger than the hatred the mark instilled in Dean. For the most part, it worked.

Until Benny came along.

Sam had never really liked Benny. He tolerated him because he was friends with Dean, but sometimes Sam prayed Benny would bite a human just so Sam could kill him. It was a horrible thing to wish upon an innocent civilian, but sometimes Benny just made him _so mad_. Dean didn’t even notice. And if Benny was important to Dean, Sam could keep his mouth shut.

It got harder and harder all the time. Dean wanted to invite Benny along with their plans like it was just a regular night out. Like Sam and Dean were just brothers. Sam managed to stifle his feelings with alcohol the first few times, but after the fifth time Sam began to plead out with excuses of exhaustion or illness. Dean gave him a concerned look, offered to get him medicine, and then walked out of the bunker to meet Benny. Dean made sure to mention his and Benny’s friendship as much as possible. Sometimes he wondered if there was something more between Dean and Benny than just friendship but he never voiced his concerns.

“You should come out with me and Benny,” Dean told Sam.

“Benny and me,” Sam automatically corrected.

“Bossy college kid, huh?” Dean’s tugged on Sam’s hair almost painfully. “You’d have fun. Benny really knows how to have fun.”

“I bet he does,” Sam muttered.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” Sam said hurriedly.

“So you’re just going to let me and Benny go out on our own?” Dean asked. “What if I miss you too much? I might need someone to help me through it and if you’re not there I might go to Benny.”

The words were laced with suggestiveness and it set cold air through Sam’s lungs. No. He didn’t want to spend another night in a booth with him on one side and Benny and Dean on the other, pressed together like lovers.

“I’m tired,” Sam replied. It was an honest answer. Dean shrugged. His attempts to persuade Sam to accompany him and Benny out were becoming weaker and weaker. Sam figured that they just didn’t want him around. And who was he to intrude on their desires?

At least Benny had never come into the bunker. It was one place that was just for Sam and Dean. Until Dean, once again, disregarded Sam’s feelings.

A knock on the bunker door jerked Sam out of his reading. No one knocked on the bunker. No one even _came_ the bunker except Charlie, Cas, Dean, and Sam. And they certainly wouldn’t knock.

Dean didn’t seem like he was going to answer the door any time soon, so with a groan, Sam put his book down and made his way towards the entrance. He peeked through the peephole and saw the infamous vampire himself, picking at his nails and waiting for the door to be opened. Sam had half a mind to leave Benny standing and deny any knowledge of him, but it might make Dean angry if he found out.

With an unwilling sigh, Sam unlocked the heavy metal door. “Benny.”

“Sam, nice to see you again,” Benny drawled. The tone of his voice told Sam Benny was as happy to see Sam as he was to see Benny. “If I may…” He pushed his way into the bunker. Sam resisted the urge to grab the nearest knife. “Where’s your brother?”

“In his room,” Sam grunted.

“You’re not going to show me the way?” Benny said. “Where are your manners?”

“I’ve not cut your head off yet, that’s as polite as you will see me,” Sam snapped. “Now if you excuse me. I was actually doing something before you came knocking.”

Benny winked at him and Sam wanted to puke. He turned and jogged back to his room and locked it for good measure. He could lose himself in his novel and pretend like Benny wasn’t in their home.

Dean was probably entertaining Benny in some part of the bunker. Sam tried not to think about _how_ the two men—or, one man and one slimy, evil bloodsucker—were passing their time. Though, Sam supposed, as long they left him alone they could do whatever they wanted.

Well, maybe not _whatever_ they wanted.

Sam didn’t want to spend the rest of his night thinking about Dean and Benny in closed quarters. Dean was _Sam’s_ and he would never do anything to damage that. Not even Dean was that stupid.

Dean knocked on his door an hour later. “Sammy! Dinner!”

Sam stuck a bookmark in the novel. “What did you make?”

“Nothing, I ordered pizza.” Sam could hear Dean’s smirk through the door.

Sam unlocked it and met Dean’s sparkling eyes. “Oh good. I’m so tired of your cooking.”

“Smartass.” Dean hauled Sam down for a kiss. “I got your favorite. Stupid vegetarian pizza.”

“It’s _healthy_ ,” Sam reminded.

“Oh yes, how could I forget?” Dean slid his hand into Sam’s and led him to the kitchen. Sam’s mouth curved down when he saw Benny leaning back in a chair, his filthy boots on the table Dean cleaned an hour ago. If Sam put his feet on the table, Dean would hit him with a spatula. But precious Benny could do whatever the hell he wanted, now couldn’t he? Sam plunked down in a chair in a much worse mood.

Dean opened the pizza boxes in the middle of the table. Benny scoffed at the vegetarian one. “Didn’t know you liked rabbit food, Dean?”

“It’s for my brother,” Dean snapped. “You know how he is. Delicate and all.”

Sam clenched his jaw. Don’t rise to the bait. He let out a deep breath and grabbed a slice of pizza. It was unlikely Dean or Benny would pay Sam any mind if he kept his mouth shut.

“Not rough, like us,” Benny agreed. “I have fond memories of you and all your… roughness.”

 _That_ caught Sam’s interest. “What do you mean?”  
Benny’s smirk turned positively nasty. “Oh, Dean. You haven’t told your dear brother everything about Purgatory, have you?”

Sam’s gaze snapped to Dean. “What’s he talking about?”

Dean shrugged. “You weren’t in Purgatory with me. I had to let off some steam. You kill monsters all day, your adrenaline increases. And it wasn’t like my libido stopped working because I was dead.”

Sam bound his hands into fists. “You _slept_ with _Benny_?”

“You make me sound so repulsive,” Benny mocked. “Your brother thought so too, at first, and then he realized that sex with a vampire was better than no sex at all. And damn was that sex good.” He grinned lazily at Dean. “Agreed.”

Dean raised his beer. “I’ll drink to that.”

Sam still couldn’t believe it. Every fear of his had come true. “You cheated on me?”

“You were with Amelia.” Dean countered. “Don’t talk to _me_ about cheating!”

“I thought you were dead! I was alone and miserable! She was nothing more than a place to find solace when my brother was gone!” Sam snorted. “Seems it shouldn’t have mattered because my brother was alive and cheating on me just fine.”

“You don’t get to throw this back in my face. I was honest with you,” Dean said.

“You _cheated_!” Sam yelled. “You knew I was alive and you still went and slept with this—this _bloodsucker_!”

“It was good sex, too,” Dean sneered. “Better than you, because he didn’t whine like a bitch. He took what I offered and he liked it.”

Sam felt like he’d throw up the pizza if he ate anymore. and although it was childish, he stormed away into his room. Benny’s cruel laughter followed him out. Killing Dean’s “friend” seemed more and more appealing.

Sam didn’t sleep. He kept his ear pressed against the wall between his and Dean’s rooms. The bunker was fairly soundproof, so Sam couldn’t hear a word that was said, but he knew there were two voices in Dean’s room and one of them was Benny’s.

He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t stop listening. There was an occasional burst of muffled laughter and Sam’s heart ached. He wanted to crawl into Dean’s arms and let him hold Sam and tell him that he loved him. But when was the last time Dean actually said the words “I love you”? Dean confessed his love to food more than he did to Sam. He should have known their relationship would fail. But he was blinded by his own love and let Dean tug him along like a puppet.

He was content to lie in self-pity until a knock echoed on his door. Sam jumped up but Dean was inside his room before Sam could even reach halfway. Benny rested against the doorframe and Sam’s lip curled into a sneer. “Don’t you have some blood to drink?”

He eyed Sam. “Tilt back your neck, gorgeous, and I’ll get my fill.”  

Dean chuckled. “Control yourself. I want my brother healthy and alert.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

Benny leered at him. “Your brother and I felt just _awful_ that we’d upset you. It wasn’t our intention at all. We just wanted to make you feel better.”

“Then go away,” Sam hissed. “I don’t want you near me, _vampire_.”

“Manners, Sammy. He has a name.” Dean ran his hand down Sam’s cheek. “So beautiful. Have I told you how beautiful you are?”

Sam tried not to flinch away from Dean. But every time he saw him, he saw him naked with Benny, moaning each others names while Sam cried for his brother. “You’ve told me.”

The mark caught Sam’s eye. It seemed like a living thing and its power ran through Dean. Sam hated the damn thing. He’d rather have Abaddon live forever if it meant he could have the old Dean back. The one that cared about Sam. The old Dean never would have let Benny come into the bunker and hurt Sam.

“Benny isn’t anywhere as beautiful as you,” Dean continued. “Even when he was the one underneath me, I wished it was you. His ass was never as tight as yours.” Dean’s hand wandered down Sam’s back and he slapped the wandering limb. He pushed Dean closer to the door.

“If you think that you’re going to have sex with me, you’re crazy,” Sam hissed.

“I just wanted to show you what you’re missing.” Dean crooked a finger and Benny came into the room.

“Get out,” Sam growled.

“You can stay,” Dean told Benny.

“No he can’t!” Sam protested. “Neither of you can stay! I want you both to leave! Now!”

Dean sidled up to Sam and put his hands on his waist. “Just let us show you what you’re missing. We can make it good for you, Sammy.”

Sam’s eyes flittered between Benny and Dean. “You—you think the issue is that I don’t understand how good _sex_ is?”

“Well, you wouldn’t be so tightly wound if you let go a little. C’mon, baby, I know what you like.” Dean kissed Sam’s collarbone gently and he relaxed a little. It was _Dean_. Even with the mark, Dean was still Dean. And Dean knew how to make Sam feel good.

“You wouldn’t be so mad about Dean and I having sex if _you_ had sex with us,” Benny clarified.

“You actually think I’d want your cock within three feet of me?” Sam snapped. “Go away.”

Benny flashed a cruel smile at Sam that looked more dangerous than any fangs could. “I warned Dean that this might be a problem. So we figured out a way we could persuade you.”

Sam glanced at his brother. “Dean?”

“Shh, Sammy.” Dean pushed him onto the bed. “Just let us do the work.”

“What? No-,” Sam tried to push him off but Dean held him down firmly. Combined with Benny, the two could hold him down. They made quick work of this clothes and Sam felt especially vulnerable in his naked state. “Dean, please, tell me what’s going on.”  
Neither Dean nor Benny were paying any attention to Sam anymore. “What do you want?” Dean asked Benny.

“I’d say ass but you are strangle possessive. Or maybe, not so strangely.” Benny ran a hand down Sam’s naked chest and he flinched. “I’ll take his mouth.”

Sam struggled harder. He wasn’t going to sit here and go quietly.

“Stop moving and we can make it good for you,” Benny snarled. “I’m going to fuck that mouth either way.”

Sam glared. “Try and I’ll bite your dick off.”

“You won’t like the consequences,” Benny purred. “Hurry up, Dean.” He grinned viciously and peeled off his clothes. His shirt and jacket were hastily dumped on the floor but it took more care in taking off his pants. His dick was hard and disgusting.

Dean’s naked form rubbed against Sam’s back. “It’ll be over before you want. And hey, if you want, we can go again.”

Sam wanted to punch his brother. “I don’t want your filthy, lying hands on me.”

“Then we’ll go without prep and it’ll hurt a lot more,” Dean murmured. “Pick your poison, baby brother.”

Sam stilled. He didn’t want this, but apparently that wasn’t a choice. Excessive pain was a choice. “Just do it,” He grit out.

“Hands and knees, Sammy.” Dean kissed Sam’s shoulder and then shoved two slick fingers up his ass. It was too much, too soon, and Sam cried out in pain. Benny dropped to his knees on the bed and shuffled closer to Sam’s face with his dick erect.  Sam snapped his mouth shut and tried to push his body away from the offending organ. Unfortunately it pushed him into Dean’s fingers and Sam winced at the pain. “Sorry, baby, but we have to do this. You’ll understand.”  
“Understand how much of a dick you are,” Sam snapped. He closed his mouth and jerked his head away when Benny tried to put his dick in Sam’s mouth. He felt blunt pressure against his ass and he shook his head. It wasn’t enough. He wasn’t open enough for Dean. But damn if he was going to let Benny force his ugly cock in his mouth.

He screamed when Dean’s dick finally breached him but managed to keep his mouth shut. It hurt, it hurt so badly, and Dean just kept pushing into him. He let out a deep breath though his nose. If he could just white out, he could avoid a lot of pain. He dove into his mind and tried to block every painful sensation.

A hand gripped his nose until Sam couldn’t breathe. He held his breath as long as he could but instinct forced his mouth open. Air flew into his lungs but it didn’t last long. A long vampire cock was forced into his mouth and Sam choked on it. “Suck,” Benny growled. “And don’t you _dare_ you teeth. Or I’ll use mine.”

Dean started to pump his cock in and our. Sam bucked and cried out with his mouth still full of Benny’s dick. Sam’s eyes watered. He could blame it on the physical pain but it was even worse knowing that his rapist was his big brother, the one person who swore to protect him.

Sam’s dick was soft between his legs. There was no way he could get hard during this ordeal, even if Dean hit his prostate. Sam hadn’t been with any other guys except for Dean. He always preferred women, but Dean was the exception. He was the only one that had ever fucked Sam’s ass and knew how to do it without causing him any pain, and always made Sam come. It was different this time. Sam didn’t get the feeling Dean or Benny would care whether he came or not.

“Is he better than me, Dean?” Benny asked. His cock hit the back of Sam’s throat and he gagged around it.

“Almost. But the way you screamed my name is a lot more of a turn on. But Sam is just as tight as I remembered.” Dean slammed in roughly and it shoved Sam forward. “Wanna hear about it, Sammy? We just killed a bunch of leviathans. It was gross; we were covered in black blood. But all I could think about was hot turned on I was. You know how it is. We used to fuck like crazy after our hunts. And it’d been so long, Sammy, so long without your tight, gorgeous ass. Benny was there and the next thing I knew, we were lying naked.”

Benny grabbed Sam’s hair and shoved his face into crotch. Sam tried to push his mind away but Dean’s whiskey voice kept dragging him back. “Benny was an amazing kisser,” Dean continued. “Not as good as you, Sammy, but good. And he was warm. People always say vampires are cold but Benny was the first person that I had a connection with. We went slow and sweet our first time. He felt so tight around me. Like a vice. You haven’t been that tight since our first time. It was a little rough—its not like you can buy lube in purgatory—but I enjoyed it. It was what kept me moving through the horrid nightmare.”

 _You said_ I _was what kept you moving through Purgatory,_ Sam thought. Turns out it was sex with a slimy vampire. His stomach rebelled with the image of Dean and Benny covered in leviathan blood and _kissing_. Sam hated Dean and Benny having sex, but kissing was too intimate. Kissing was Sam and Dean’s thing. But then again, the bunker was Sam and Dean’s place.

If it was Sam and Dean’s, it was Benny’s.

Dean was still narrating each sexual encounter with Benny, sometimes in pine needles, one time in water, another against the tree, and Sam finally started to zone out. He was still aware of the two cocks fucking inside his mouth and ass, but the pain was a numb throb in the background. Everything was just white. He felt Dean come inside his ass and then the sticky release slide down his legs, and he felt Benny’s come splatter on his face and even tasted a little on his tongue. He felt the aches in his ass and jaw and heard the nasty laughter as the hunter and vampire left the room. But Sam wasn’t there. Not really.

Not in any way it counted.

*

Sam was motherfucking  _furious._ Benny smeared his come on Sam's face and Dean pinched his sore, burning ass. There wasn't nearly enough prep and it hurt. His mind was still distant from his body, but the cruel laughter of the horrible vampire and Dean sent him spiraling back into his head and he wanted to punch someone. He wanted to hurt them like they hurt Sam. 

Benny wiped his thumb on Sam's face and gathered up some of his come. "Open up, pretty boy." He tried to force his thumb into Sam's mouth and the hunter bit down hard. "Wow, kitten got some  _claws_!"

Sam reached up and grabbed Benny's wrist. With a move Dad had taught him years ago, he flicked his hand and broke Benny's wrist. Benny howled and glared at Sam. "You little bitch!" 

"I am not your bitch!" Sam yelled. He jumped up and shoved Benny off the bed. His aching body protested the sudden movement but adrenaline pumped through his veins and he was on a rampage. "I am nobody's bitch and I am going to show you!"

Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Sammy, calm down-," Sam jammed his elbow into Dean's nose. He yelped and Sam felt warm blood splatter on his back. Broken nose, good. Now he could focus on Benny. 

The vampire slowly rose to his feet and started towards Sam. He was going to take all his anger out on the horrid bloodsucker that stormed into Sam's life and ruined it. He punched Benny's nose and heard a satisfying crack. Benny grabbed at the swollen apendage and Sam kicked his stomach, brining Benny to his knees. He wanted to chop Benny's head off right there but it would be more satisfying to let the vampire feel some of the pain Sam felt. 

"You filthy, horrid monster," Sam hissed. He kicked Benny again and he fell to his side. "You've ruined me, you've ruined Dean, you've ruined everything!" Benny tried to get up and Sam kneed his neck. Benny gasped for air and Sam kept advancing on him. "I'm going to send you back to Purgatory myself, but first i'm going to make you  _suffer."_

"Sam don't be an idiot," Dean muttered from behind him.

"And you!" Sam turned to Dean. He was holding his nose in an attempt to staunch the blood flow. "You let him! How could you! My own  _brother_!"

"You needed it," Benny growled. 

Sam saw red. Things went a little blank after that, but his fists and legs ached from all the stress he put on them. Benny wouldn't be too pretty after this. 

*

The first thing Sam did when he woke up was sneak into the bathroom. He took a quick shower and rubbed the feeling of come and rape wash off his body. There were red nail marks on his torso and he wasn’t sure whose they were. He would probably have to put some lotion in his ass so he didn’t have too much damage.

Benny was probably gone. But if he wasn’t, Sam would take the first knife he saw and slice the bastard’s head off. If Dean tried to stop him, Sam would turn the knife on him. Sam was hurt, emotionally and physically.

But it wouldn’t do any good to sit and whine about it. He waddled back into the bedroom and put his comfiest sweatpants on and a loose sweatshirt. He hadn’t worn the sweatshirt in years and when he put his hands in the pockets, his fingers bumped against something cool and smooth. Sam gripped it in his palm when he realized what it was. He chuckled at the irony and then it turned into laughter, then hysterics, and then Sam gave into the feeling and bawled on the floor of his bedroom.

Part of him wanted to take another shower and wash off his tears. But it wouldn’t do any good. Sam splashed a little bit of water on his face and then made his way into the kitchen. The coffee maker was off. Sam stared at it. Usually this was the time he measured out the coffee and turned it on so Dean would have fresh coffee when he woke up. If he was feeling nice, he might even make bacon.

Sam bypassed the metal contraption and threw a piece of bread in the toaster. He poured some orange juice in a cup to try and wash away the taste of come but it barely slid down his throat. He swallowed another round of tears. Dean had broken him.

Speak of the devil.

Dean flounced into the room like nothing was wrong. He had his “I got laid” smirk on and Sam stuffed his hands into his pockets so he didn’t throttle Dean.

“Sammy, you didn’t turn the coffee pot on,” Dean said. “It’s okay. One morning out of dozens you can forget. Do you want me to make you breakfast?”

The toaster dinged and Sam grabbed his food. He liked jam or butter on his toast but he’d eat it dry if he could just get out of the kitchen. “Sam?” Dean asked. “What’s wrong?”

There was genuine confusion in his voice. Sam didn’t feel like yelling everything that was fucking _wrong_ because there were so many things _wrong_ right now that it would take hours. Dean was _wrong_ and Benny was _wrong_ and rape was _wrong_ and love was _wrong_ and everything was _wrong, wrong, wrong_.

Eventually, Sam settled on, “Don’t fucking talk to me.” He tried to leave the room but Dean grabbed his arm.

“Baby, talk to me,” Dean said softly. “What’s the matter? What can I do to make it better?”

“You can’t ‘make it better’. You can’t do anything. And if you really don’t know what the matter is, you’re dumber than I thought you were,” Sam snarled. “And _don’t_ call me baby.”

“Is this about last night?” Dean asked. “Look, it was just a-,”

“Just a what? Just a joke? Just a prank? Did you and Benny have fun, Dean, laughing about raping the one person in the world that actually loves you? I believed in you!” Sam exploded. “I supported you even when that—that _mark_ turned you mean! I loved you! And you repaid me by mocking me with Benny and raping me.”

Dean looked at him pitifully. “Look, I’m sorry.”

“Oh great!” Sam replied sarcastically. “You’re sorry. Well, that’s okay then! Fuck you, Dean!”

“Sam-,” Dean leaned in for a kiss and Sam shoved him away.

“You are nothing to me,” Sam hissed. “But a rapist. Go crawling back to Benny. I don’t want anything to do with you.”

“But… I love you, Sammy,” Dean murmured.

Sam’s throat clogged with misery. “That’s the first time you’ve ever said that, you jackass. We’ve been together for _years_. And the first time that you’ve ever said that you love me is the morning after you raped me. Ironic, don’t you think?” He grabbed the necklace in his pocket. “Here. You threw this out, remember?”

The gold amulet sparkled in Dean’s palm. “You kept it?”

“I thought I’d give it to you as a present on our anniversary or some other occasion.” Sam wiped at his eye. “I had it all planned out, you know? It was going to be romantic and then we were going to have life-affirming sex after. Guess that was all a waste. So here. Take it. I don’t want it.” 

Sam originally decided for a “fuck you” and get out of my face, but Dean probably wouldn’t have accepted that. Maybe the monologue got the message through Dean’s thick head.

Sam loved Dean with all his heart. And that was the problem. Sooner or later, Sam would forgive Dean, just like he always did. Sam was the stupid, trusting, idiotic lovesick fool Dean always said he was.

*

Sam tried to read his book but it was hard to concentrate. What if he’d just ruined everything? What if Dean really _did_ go back to Benny? Sam didn’t think he could take that. He should go to Dean now and beg for forgiveness.

He hand his hand on the doorknob when he stopped. Dean ruined this first. He could do whatever he wanted. See if Sam cared. He never wanted to be a hunter. Maybe he could finally leave. He might be able to find a job, a real job, and a wife and kids and a dog.

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice sounded from the other side of the door. “Sam, baby, please open the door. I screwed up. I know I did.” There was a period of silence where Sam knew Dean expected him to respond. Sam kept his mouth shut. “I told Benny I don’t want to see him again. I swear, Sam, it’s just gonna be you and me. You’re the only one I love. You’re the only one I ever loved. Even in Purgatory with Benny-,” Dean swore softly. “I’m sorry. You don’t want to hear about that, I know.”

Dean’s voice was soft and vulnerable. Sam wanted to step into the hallway and wrap Dean in a hug and never let him go. Sam loved dean and Dean loved Sam. But what if love wasn’t enough?

Dean started talking again. “I saw you didn’t have much to eat for breakfast. I made you pancakes with blueberries, just the way you like them. There’s coffee here, too, with milk and sugar. That’s how you drink it, right?” Dean paused and for a moment it was just breathing. “I’m so sorry. I love you. I hate talking to you through a door. Please come out.”

It was painful keeping Sam’s legs where they were instead of running to Dean. But he had to be strong. Just this one time, he had to refuse to cave to a few loving words.

“Well, I’m leaving the food out here. I’m going to walk away now. But it’s here. You should eat some before it gets cold.” The telltale sound of a forehead hitting a door echoed. “I love you. I’m sorry. There’re no excuses I can make. But I’m sorry.”

It went on like this for days. Sam didn’t want to leave the room, and Dean brought him food, books, clothes, blankets, and once he realized Sam didn’t want to speak to him, little notes with words of affection. The words changed into descriptions of what Dean did each day. He signed each note, unfailingly, “love, Dean”.

It got tiresome. Ignoring Dean hurt and Sam felt weaker and weaker each time. Sam had to readjust to sleeping in his own bed and not rolling over to see Dean’s smile. He didn’t shower with Dean or ramble on about what was happening to the characters in his book. They didn’t look at hunts or ways to stop Megatron and Abaddon. And it hurt.

So Sam took a deep breath and decided to hear his brother out. It was painful, but it was still Dean.

He was causing Dean and himself a lot of pain. There was no sign of Benny and Dean had told him to fuck off. The rape was a bump in the road. But Sam and Dean survived the apocalypse.

The next time Dean knocked on his door to bring Sam food, he opened it. Judging from the surprise on Dean’s face, he hadn’t expected Sam to open the door. He’d given up hoping. Dean was a mess, too. He didn’t look like he’d gotten a goodnight’s rest in weeks. His hair was messy and his cheeks were pale. “Sammy…” Dean said his name like it was a prayer that held all the answers.

“Tell me again,” Sam demanded.

“I love you,” Dean said. “I’m sorry.”

Sam nodded. “I forgive you.”

Relief washed over Dean’s face. “You do?”

“Don’t ever try anything like this again,” Sam threatened. “Or I won’t forgive. I’ll walk out of here and I won’t look back.”

Dean cautiously stepped into Sam’s space, and when he spread his arms wide Dean immediately wrapped himself in Sam. He hugged Dean back and let out a deep breath. “When was the last time you slept through the night?” He asked Dean.

“Probably the last time you did,” Dean said.

“Well, let’s sleep now.” Sam tugged Dean into his huge bed. “No sex. Just love.”

“And cuddling.”

Sam kissed Dean’s forehead and then his lips. “Of course.”

“I really do love you,” Dean said. “I wish I’d said it sooner.”  
“It’s okay. I love you too.” Sam forgave Dean, and now then could put this whole ugly mess behind them.


End file.
